5 Tips for Talking to Birth Parents
Many adoptive parents-in-waiting feel nervous and suddenly tongue-tied when a birth mother messages them or calls on the phone. It is very common for our coordinators to answer questions like “What do we talk about?” and “Are there things we shouldn’t say or questions we shouldn’t answer?” We understand that this is new, and it can be a little intimidating when you view it as an opportunity to be parents.
We suggest that you try to frame the conversation a little different, meaning don’t put the weight of your whole adoption success on one or two conversations. Here are some tips and sample questions to help you stay calm and carry on a conversation that is meaningful to both of you:
- Get to know the birth parents.
Before you ask much about the baby, really try to get to know the birth parents. Remember that we all like to talk about ourselves, and when you are connecting with someone for a potential lifetime adoption, knowing each other is vital. One of the signs of a good match is a friendship. It isn’t a requirement, but it makes things a lot easier! It’s great to ask when her baby is due, but don’t make it all about the baby. Ask things like:
- How are you feeling?
- Can you tell me a little about yourself?
- How long have you been considering adoption?
- Is there something specific you are looking for in adoptive parents?
- Be genuine.
It is usually a brave woman (or man) to actually reach out and talk to you about adopting their child. Provide them with a genuine caring that you feel toward the birth parents who will ultimately place a child with you. Be sure that your conversation and caring is sincere – these things come out through communication. Even if this isn’t a good fit for you, it may be for someone else – you are representing adoptive families in general. Here are some statements that convey genuine caring and concern:
- It sounds like this is a difficult time for you.
- I’m so glad you reached out to chat tonight.
- I appreciate the opportunity to get to know you.
- I hope we can speak again.
- I will keep you in my prayers.
- Don’t drill her with questions.
We understand that there is a lot you want to know about the baby or child, but let the conversation flow naturally. Don’t turn an opportunity to build trust into an inquisition. If the door seems open to ask some questions, walk through it and gather the information tactfully and without judgement. Some ideas are:
- I know you mentioned you had an ultrasound, have you been getting regular prenatal care?
- I’m so sorry that the father of this baby walked out on you. Do you think he would consent to an adoption for your baby?
- You mentioned your other children. Tell me a little about them?
- As you may have seen on our profile, we live in Texas. Whereabouts are you living?
- Be patient and let the relationship develop.
Obviously, if you get a call from a woman who is in labor and on her way to the hospital, patience isn’t something you have to worry about! But generally speaking, you have time to let things flow. Learn about her, take interest in her life, and her baby. Don’t feel as though you have to cram every question you have into the first opportunity. Try to make plans to chat again, and don’t be afraid to stop the conversation if you are unable to continue chatting right then.
- I’ve really enjoyed getting to know a little about you. Can we talk again soon?
- Do you have any questions about us?
- I’ve loved talking with you, but I have an appointment I have to run out to. Can we talk tomorrow?
- If you have questions about how the adoption works, I can help gather some information for you, or you can speak with our attorney?
- Write everything down.
Taking excellent notes is vital. You want to ensure that you jot down all the details, as well as times and dates. It may seem natural to think you can remember, but when emotions, hopes, and hearts are involved, sometimes the mind gets a little cloudy. You may not remember what she said about the father when the story seems to change a few weeks down the line. You may not easily remember the names of her children. Perhaps she mentioned a trip to you but you can’t now remember where or when. Meticulous note-keeping is a vital part of your adoption. In the Birth Parent: Meeting & Matching section, you will find the forms you need to record this information and share it with your coordinator.
Being prepared now, before you’ve spoken with a birth parent, will give you the tools you need for the heart-stopping moment when the phone rings, and you’ve got a birth mother on the line!
