Questions & Answers

Learn more about birth mothers’ situations, talking with them, and matching by reading some of the questions adoptive couples have asked us.

What is the average age of women that place their child for adoption?

Most people assume that birth mothers are young teenagers. The majority of women placing children are between 19-32 years old; some are women with other children and others are married. In the past, 29 years as a professional, we have seen fewer teenagers deciding to place their babies for adoption, with peer pressure teens as young as 13 are encouraged by peers to parent. We see more teens choosing adoption in the summer months when school is out and the daily exposure to other teens is lessened. Some teens still want to move away from their home for the last 2 trimesters of their pregnancy. A drop in adoptions in teens is predictable once school resumes in September. There are increased pregnancies after any major holiday; spring break or cold winter, always increases the number of adoptions. Father’s Day also can bring inquiries about adoption from single mothers or pregnant women that have little or no help from the birth father.

What do you suggest telling family and friends that always ask, “Where is the baby”?

This was always difficult for me. I would go to church or a family gathering and be hit with this question numerous times. If possible I would ask a close family member to mention to other members that we are still trying and it has been hard to be asked. Sometimes I was able to share the adoption process and take the opportunity to educate them on adoption. Or I would say something like “it is in God’s hands”, then change subject. It wasn’t much different than being asked, “When are you going to get pregnant” or “are you ever going to start a family”? Just try to remember that family and friends are interested and mostly ask because they care.

My wife and I have been waiting to adopt for quite some time. But two of the couples in our support group have already found a baby. Why them and not us?

From across the room I can spot couples who will be matched with a birth mother sooner rather than later. They have absolutely resolved any infertility issues and they have made adoption the focus of their life. They are not remodeling or shopping for a new car. They are diligently searching for their child. They are organized and resourceful; they are proactive.

I remember one such couple, Dave and Leslie. They showed up at our new prospective parents meeting with the photographs for their profiles already taken. Dave asked what they should do next. I started going down the list. The writing of their profile was done, ready for posting on the website, and they had already seen their attorney. So I suggested they do the paperwork to get ready for their home study.

“Oh, that’s finished,” said Leslie. So I advised them to go ahead and contact a social worker to do their home study. Leslie looked at me matter-of-factly. “She’s coming over to the house on Tuesday,” she said.

Dave and Leslie were several months ahead of the others, and that much closer to finding their baby.

How long will it take us to adopt?

It depends on your circumstances, the type of adoption you choose and the effort you make. Normally it takes less time to adopt an older waiting child, a bi-racial or special needs infant than to adopt a healthy Caucasian baby. Rarely will you find a healthy newborn in a public agency, unless you are fortunate enough to find one through a fost-adopt program. The swiftest way to adopt a healthy Caucasian baby is through an independent adoption and to work alongside an adoption attorney or facilitator in your search for a birth mother, doing additional advertising and networking on your own. By doing so, you should expect in most cases, to adopt a child within four months to two years.

Can you do anything to prevent reclaims?

Adoption professionals watch for red flags indicating that a birth mother is at risk of reclaim. Our vigilance starts with the screening of potential birth mothers. We can often spot one who fits the profile of a woman who will be unable to relinquish her child. We also know the questions to ask so we can really find out what a birth mother wants in adoptive parents. A good match, and a good relationship between them, reduces the risk.

The rate of reclaim varies and precise numbers are hard to come by. Some sources report rates as low as three percent, others as high as 15 percent. A qualified professional who properly screens, monitors and provides counseling for birth mothers should have a reclaim rate of around six percent.

We know how hard it is on adoptive parents when a birth mother has this change of heart and reclaims. We work hard to prevent it but we cannot predict all outcomes. Sometimes we see a red flag prior to the placement and it goes through. Other times we are surprised by a reclaim. If it happens to you, take some time off until you are ready to start again. Visit one of the support groups on Facebook or Yahoo. If you don’t give up, you will find your child because nine out of ten adoptions do succeed.

Should birth mothers have counseling?

A qualified and caring professional should offer this service. Their staff members will establish and maintain a relationship with the birth mother throughout her pregnancy. They will monitor her prenatal care, her emotional state and provide her with counseling if she is open to it.

At our center we consider a birth mother’s social, emotional and medical needs:

• Does she have someone to support her, a friend, family member, husband or boyfriend?
• Is she emotionally prepared for the separation from the child?
• Is she healthy and keeping appointments with her doctor?

Just imagine her feelings at the time of the birth. For months this child has been growing under her heart. Then she gives birth and the baby is no longer a part of her. She is not doing what comes naturally, not nursing and holding the baby who has gone off with the adoptive parents. This is a difficult time for her. At such a moment she may desperately need support and counseling.

What do birth mothers look for in adoptive parents?

It depends. It might be someone with pets, a specific faith, region of the U.S., a mother who can stay at home, or a parent with a college degree. Birth mothers want to know what’s in the heart of an adopting parent. Most want a loving family. They usually want a stable family life or the child, parents in a good marriage and a secure relationship. The look for a safe home and parents who can live a full and active life with the child. Some want an extended family, grandparents, aunts, and uncles who will accept the child with open arms.