Questions & Answers
When adoptive parents begin the adoption process, there are often many questions specific to their situation that come up. Remember, you can always ask your coordinator during your monthly check-ins.
My wife and I got married five years ago and we are unable to have children of our own. Cheryl’s first marriage ended in divorce and so did mine. We are very happy together and committed to making this marriage last. Can we adopt?
In domestic independent adoptions, the birth mother makes most of the choices about who will parent the child. She often has no problem with a couple where the husband or wife had been married before. Some domestic agencies and some foreign countries do not allow adoption for anyone who has divorced.
Many agencies look at the stability of the current marriage and will consider couples who have been divorced. If you are going on your fifth or sixth marriage, this indicates to birth mothers and to adoption professionals alike that your present marriage may be short-lived and you may not be able to adopt.
How old can you be and still adopt?
In the past, you could be no more than 40 years older than the child you wished to adopt. Today this rule is not hard and fast. In fact, we have birth mothers looking for older, more mature couples.
A large number of baby boomers in their forties have wanted to start families, and are now adopting because they are unable to conceive. Many of them are as healthy and active as people ten to fifteen years younger and they have caused the adoption system to ease up on age restrictions.
At our center, we’ve seen people well into their fifties adopt successfully. In one situation, the husband was 62 and, because his wife was 15 years younger, they were able to adopt. If you are an older couple, you can usually adopt internationally with less trouble, provided that you are both in good health.
Ask yourself this question: When the child is in his early twenties will he still have parents around who are in pretty good shape?
How long must we be married before adopting?
Some private and public agencies require that a couple be married for a period of time, usually from one to five years. In private, independent adoptions, the birth mother decides. At our center we have facilitated adoptions for couples who have been married for only 12 months and for as long as 25 years. Many state agencies have relaxed the rules on the longevity of marriage so more parents can adopt waiting children in foster care.
We already have children. Can we still adopt?
Since the adopted child will have siblings, it’s considered an asset to many birth mothers and adoption professionals, though some may prefer a couple without children. Interview various adoption professionals and ask.
I’ve made some mistakes in life. To tell the truth, I was convicted of stealing a car. Can someone like me adopt?
If you were convicted for theft when you were young and doing stupid things, you might still be able to adopt. If you were arrested for drunk driving a week before your home study, you’ll have trouble. If you abused alcohol or used illicit drugs in the past, you must provide proof that you have been clean and sober for a period of years. Some pas felonies can be excused, others cannot. If they are child-related, you cannot adopt. Be up-front about problems in your life as they will likely be discovered and your dishonesty alone may jeopardize your adoption.
I’m a single woman in my early thirties and don’t plan on getting married anytime soon. I would love to have a family, at least one child to raise. Can I adopt?
Yes. If you know in our heart that you can provide a child with a balanced life, devote the time required to raise him up right, and if you have male and female friends and family to help. You’ll also need a professional experienced in single-parent adoptions. The joy and challenge of single parenting is discussed at (insert working link). Single parents are not usually matched as quickly as married couples. Most birth mothers choose married couples, though some request a single parent because, as one told me, “the mother would pay more attention to the child if she isn’t distracted by her spouse.” Some birth mothers feel they are helping someone who otherwise might not be able to adopt. In your profile, let birth mothers know how committed you are to raising a child. One single mother was chosen because she had taken parenting classes.
On television I always see programs about adoptions that go wrong. Is this really going on that much?
Producers at the Hallmark channel once called the attorney who does legal work for our center and asked him if he had adoption stories they could use. They wanted conflict, trouble and drama. “I don’t have any like that,” he said. “Do you want to tell one of our usual heart-warming stories?”
They weren’t interested.
Instead of reporting on the vast majority of adoptions that succeed every year, the media reports sensational cases. For a while I researched failed adoption cases that were in the newspapers and on television. In each case, red flags were flying which adoption professionals or adoptive parents failed to see, like matching a family to an emotionally-unstable birth mother who was asking for a great deal of money. In the cases I reviewed, some of the parties did not have all the facts, some were dishonest and others were outright fraudulent.
But these cases, and those dramatized by the script writers, are extremely rare. Better than 90 percent of adoptions are finalized quietly and happily without difficulty.
What does an agency, attorney and/or facilitator do?
Their roles vary, and their expertise is essential to your success. Which professional you select will depend on several factors, including how much of the work you want to do yourself, the type of child you seek and the method of adoption you use.
If you plan to adopt a newborn through an open, independent adoption, in most states you can choose a full service facilitator who will locate and match you with a birth mother and connect you to and work closely with a qualified attorney.
A facilitator will also help you fill out the required stack of paperwork and refer you to a social worker who will help you prepare for the home study process. Their staff will help you write and design you adoptive parent profile, post it on the web and send it out by mail. See the chapter on creating your profile.
An adoption agency can help with the entire process, or, depending on laws in your state, can provide a stand-alone home study. Some agencies will allow you to find your own birth mother, help you prepare for the home study and will complete the adoption for you, including finalization.
You will want to use a private or public agency if you decide to adopt an older child, usually defined as over the age of five. This child may have psychological or physical challenges.
An attorney who specializes in adoption will handle the legal work which has to be perfect, assuring, for example, that all paperwork is in order and crucial documents are signed and filed with the court allowing the birth parents to legally relinquish their rights to the child. Some attorneys also facilitate adoptions or work hand-in-hand with agencies or facilitators.
Most adoption professionals will be able to acquire medical records on the birth mother and child. They should also provide you and your birth parents with support throughout the adoption process.
Is it difficult to qualify for adoption?
You will need to be mentally stable, or course, and healthy enough to engage in activities with your children. You can’t have a disease which will shorten your life span and leave a child without a mother or father. If you have had cancer and it’s in remission or if you have a chronic condition such as diabetes that is under control, you’ll need your doctor to verify this.
You need a house or apartment with enough space for a child. You need indoor plumbing and a clean, safe home. If married, you need to show stability in your relationship.
At our center we advise prospective parents to have health and life insurance and to consider the serious issues that arise from the responsibility of raising a child. How would you pay for medical care to treat serious illness? Who would care for your child if you died in a car accident?
When should we tell our family that we are adopting?
Start right away by telling them that you are thinking about adoption. Some in your family circle may only know about the darker days of adoption in years gone by and you’ll need to inform them about the way adoptions are done today.
Go to the upbeat Real Mom’s Adoption Newsletter: you can either email it or print it out for doubting family members. At AdoptiveFamilies.com, you can order a magazine for them which celebrates adoption.
From what I have observed over the years, I can assure you that most members of your family will be thrilled about the prospect of adoption and the new child in your life and theirs.
I don’t have to wait? How will I like giving up these activities I’ve made the center of my life? My priority must be the baby. That’s when I think, I can’t do this!
I knew we were ready to adopt because we were confident and relaxed about parenting. My husband had a daughter from his first marriage we were raising. Of course I never had to deal with poopy diapers and late night feedings but that part of it, I even like. I don’t mean to say that I had it all together. We went through two years of infertility treatments and that was making me depressed. At one point we were thinking, oh, well, we’ll be fine without a baby. But we knew we wouldn’t be. And when we decided on adoption, I was less stressed-out than I was with all the tests and procedures. So, anyway, I’m a mommy now. We just celebrated Brittany’s adoption day. Don’t give up now!
My husband and I just found out we will be adopting a baby girl and we have decided to stay in touch with her birth mother. I mentioned this to a friend and she got all serious and said, “Aren’t you worried that she might show up at your door step one day and want her child back?”
I hear this all the time. I am amazed that so many people think the birth mother can come back during the child’s life and reclaim the child. This is not true. If the adoption is legal (no fraud and no duress), then it is irrevocable.
However, for a period of time after the birth, as set by state law, the biological mother may decline to sign papers relinquishing parental rights to her child, an act known as reclaim. In Washington State she has 48 hours, in California, 30 days, in some states, six months and others 5 days.
So reclaim is a possibility, but it doesn’t happen as often as it’s presented, or rather as it’s sensationalized by the media. It is very unlikely to happen if the birth mother has emotional support from her family, the adoptive parents, an adoption professional or a counselor. It rarely happens when a birth mother is confident in her decision to give her child, through adoption, the promise of a better life.
I can understand how open adoption is a good thing for the birth mother, but what about the benefits for the adoptive parents?
Knowledge about the birth mother, when your child is old enough to ask about her, is better for the child’s emotional well-being. Moreover, contact with the birth mother provides you with valuable medical and social information.
Five years ago we completed an adoption where the adoptive parents agreed to exchange letters and photographs with the birth mother but never made any effort to stay in touch with her. Their adopted son needed a bone marrow transplant and the doctors were searching for a match. Their best hope was the biological mother but she had moved and the adoptive parents couldn’t find her. If that birth mother had known that this child needed her, she would have come on the next plane.
Why do advocates of open adoption say that, because of the internet, closed adoptions will be rare in the future?
With the internet as a tool, pregnant women go online when trying to decide between abortion, parenting the baby or choosing adoption. She finds a website with profiles of prospective parents seeking newborns. She sees one family living in upstate New York on a horse ranch and she says, “Cool I’m into horses and I want parents who can teach the child to ride.”
And the one agency in her town tells her she can’t choose the adoptive parents.
Not anymore. She has options now. She goes to the web and finds another agency, an attorney or a facilitator who will match her with the adoptive parents she wants.
Do overweight people have trouble adopting?
On occasion, they’ve been turned down by both private and public agencies, bases on their risk of health problems, a potential lower life expectancy or because of prejudice. Independent, open adoptions are usually easier for overweight people. The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance is working to see that heavy people have equal access to adoption services.
What is closed adoption?
Around 1950, when laws in every state sealed the record of adoption, including the child’s birth certificate, nearly all adoptions in this country were closed. The birth mother had no contact with the child. The adopting parents typically pretended the child was biologically their own. Psychologists bath then advised parents not to tell the child he or she was adopted.
The worst aspects of the old ways, like the deceit, are mostly gone, and today, closed adoptions are still practiced by a few agencies. The birth mother relinquishes to the agency her rights to the child. Agency social workers choose the adoptive parents. Little or no information is exchanged. This can be bad for the entire triad – birth parents, child and adoptive parents.
What is open adoption?
This is where the birth mother meets the adoptive parents and participates in the placement of the child. The birth mother relinquishes all legal rights to the child, of course. But she retains the right to have some future contact, as minimal as an exchange of emails and photos or as extensive as phone calls or even visits with the child and adoptive family. As a general rule, open adoption is better for the birth mother, for the child and for the adoptive family. See articles on the origin and purpose of open adoption at OpenAdoption.com.
